Attention K-Mart Shoppers

So, for those who know me, it's no surprise that I like to shop.  As a matter of fact, I use shopping as a coping mechanism.  Shopping, or even browsing around a store soothes my mind.  When I'm particularly stressed, bothered, nerve-wrecked or ulcer-inducing upset, shopping tends to take my mind off of things for a little bit.  Needless to say, I've been shopping around a lot lately.

Winter

was it really
years ago
did you need me
well, I'll never know
I'm sorry for clinging
I'm sorry for wanting more
my heart was there for you pounding down your door
maybe it was timing
maybe I was too much
running behind you pushing my love
well, you weren't ready
and you said you thought I knew
but I was taken with your beautyI was lost inside of you
winter made a sound
maybe next time if you need meI’ll be around... I'll be around... I'll be around
I'll be around

I never meant to swallow you
you never were my savior maybe just my lover
maybe nothing more

now one more winter
has passed so silently
and I'm tired of longing
that you'll come back to me

winter made a sound
maybe next time if you need me... yeah… you'll need me
and winter made a soundI know… if you need meI'll be around… I'll be around… I'll around
I'll be around

~East Mountain South

I heard somebody say
Today's the day
A big old hurricaine
Is blowing our way
Knocking over the buildings
Killing all the light
Open your eyes, boy, we made it through the night

Forgiveness~ Patty Griffin from 'Living with Ghosts'

Rolling Thunder

Have I ever told you that the longest I was ever in one school was through college?  Yep, all four years.  My mom still lives in the house into which we moved when I was seven months old, but due to different conveniences/opportunities, I switched schools every couple of years throughout elementary and then junior high and high school were only three years each.  So, college was the longest I ever stayed at one school.

I lived in the same bedroom in which my parents placed my crib until the eighth grade, at which time I moved into the basement bedroom until I left for college and even then I came home to that room the first couple of summers.  I lived in the same dorm room for two years and then the same apartment for the next two.  I just moved out of my apartment in which I lived for the past two of the nearly-three years I've lived in Nashville.

I like Nashville.  I like the town and the people.  I like the friends I've made here and the families of which I've grown to feel a part.  But sometimes things happen and no where is big enough or small enough to hide from what/who you don't want to see.  I definitely get a wanderlust, a feeling of restlessness, a rumbling threat of thunder and lightening stirring in my soul and this is part of what's happening now.  I'm not done with Nashville for good-- but I could definitely be done with it for a month or so.  You know, just long enough to get away, heal from some hurtful things and miss the loving ones.  Now if only I could just unleash the storm.

Nosing Around

I know I've written before about the amazing memory/emotion triggers in the human olfactory lobes, but I've become overwhelmed by them once again, and therefore must reiterate.

Since I've "grown up" and left home, I've become acutely aware of what surroundings, sounds, sights, savors and of course, smells, provide an overwhelming, unexpected comfort.  A few weeks ago, when I started this post, I experienced this comfort from the oddest place, the pet store.  Now, I suppose a lot of people may find pet stores comforting, what with the happy puppies wagging their tails and the little kittens who long to curl up in your lap or wrap themselves around your shoulders.  For me, however, it was the mere smell of the pet store-- an odd smell I've always equated with bird seed, although I don't like birds-- the sight of chew toys and squeaky rubber balls, the sound of bubbling fish tanks off to the side.  All of these things reminded me of home, of security and of times of joy and love.

See, my dad bred, raised and trains dogs-- still does.  Actually, he should have a litter of pups any day now.  Even though the pet store I ventured into a few weeks ago is some large commercial place, it reminded me of the small store we'd go to on the north side of town to pick up large bags of special dog food and rawhides and anything else.  I'd wander around that store while my dad took care of business and that smell of bird seed I guess just infiltrated my nostrils and clung to my mental sensors like barbecue to your ribs or peanut butter to the roof of your mouth. 

I bring this up again today because I've found another trigger, another haven in the storm: the library.  I've never sat down and thought about how much time I've spent in libraries until a couple of days ago.  I mean, sure, I spent most of my junior high after-school afternoons in the library, but that was because they wouldn't let transfer students ride the bus anymore, even though it stopped at my street anyway (the border went right down the middle of my street and I lived on the "wrong" side and therefore had to transfer to go to my school).  So, when I didn't have an after-school activity or friend's house to go to, I would simply walk to the library and wait there for my mom to get off work; two hours later.  Needless to say, I rarely had a hard time getting my homework done in those days.  On Fridays the library closed at 5pm, so I had to wait in the lobby or outside until my mom could get there thirty minutes later.  (Think winters in Wisconsin---brrrrrr--froze my little tukas off)  yay for after-school activities. 

 
But the library thing goes back further than that.  In my day care, we would have "library day" each week when we would walk down to the downtown library and get to check out a book.  We would always have a waiting list to check out "The Dark Crystal."  The library was beautiful-- divided downstairs with a balcony second floor so you could look down onto the first.  Thinking about it, I get the feeling Belle might have had when the Beast gave her his library.  I don't think I've been there since high school.

In college I would bury myself in the "cages" as they were called-- the little desks lining the stacks of the Memorial Library in I needed to get some serious reading, outlining or other homework not requiring a computer done.  Most times I'd bring my headsets and just lose myself to the world around me.  Sometimes I'd sit in the almost-silence of rustling pages, scribbling pens and the harried breathing of my fellow crammers.  Between classes, I would sink into a large leather chair in the Art Library-- sometimes to study, sometimes to simply fall asleep until the bells rang once again. 

Even now, when I want to run away I find myself heading to a library.  Oft times I pretend to look something up under academic guise.  Usually, I just want to be in the near-quiet of the anthology-padded walls with the smell of old bindings wafting through the air and the sporadic sounds of catalogue viewership as another traveler finds rest in the form of this tranquil haven. 

Noted Absurdities
 

During an argument, a Florida man swung a 3-foot alligator that he was keeping in his bathtub at his girlfriend.  You know, if she was dating a man who kept a 3-foot gator in his bathtub, she may have just asked for that... Read more

 

Closer to home-- This morning at the gas station, one man was buying another man's coffee.  The cashier asked the man fixing his coffee what size it was so she could ring it up.  Not only did he not remember what stack he grabbed the cup from, when she told him it was written on the bottom of the cup, he held up his *full* coffee cup and tipped it over to look underneath the cup.  She meant it was written in the brown trim *along* the bottom rim of the cup.  Poor, coffee-spilling guy-- he must not be from 'round these parts. 

 

I went to bed at 5 o'clock last night.  wow.

The Rant That Was

About 2 hours ago I was planning on logging in and publicly lambasting my bank. I was going to convey how they have continued to screw me over time and again in the past six months. I was going to warn anyone from ever doing business with them. I was going to suggest anyone that might even be employed by them to find another job, because they would surely go under due to their lack of customer service and over-all suckage. Basically, I was going to rant and rave until my poor little fingers grew numb from flailing and the tips bloody from violent typing.

Then I went to said bank and they reimbursed me for all the money they had screwed me out of in the past four months and apologized profusely, guaranteeing to repeal any further mishaps, as well. Therefore pacifying the beast that was a fervent rant and calming the post that could have been. But at least I'm happier now. = )


And yet, I know this feeling all too well...
If I had a car I'd drive straight into the window of a bank I owed money to ~ Ryan Adams

Speaking of "dark horses"...

This comic couldn't be more me if it tried.

Awwww, Someone Believes in Me!!!

The following is an email response among our group of college friends:

"All right with K officially engaged and off the market-- whose next to drop? Smart Money's on C.... but I have the dark horse [Lady M] to come in by a hair...

Who wants in on the pool?"


Aww, it's so nice someone still believes in me. Wait, "dark horse"... is she calling me fat?!?!?!? heh heh.

The Importance of Understanding Your Jewish History

A friend once brought to question how to interpret the following section of the Lord's Prayer: Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. My friend admitted that he does not always forgive in a manner worthy of proclaiming this verse, a realization to which I myself have come time and again. We pondered the consequences of our lack of forgiveness. If I haven't forgive others, does that mean God won't forgive me? Have not all my sins been already forgiven on Christ's Cross?

The other night, in reading a book by a woman, Lauren Winner, who first committed her life to Orthodox Judaism and then later converted to Christianity, I was once again faced with the necessity of understanding Jewish history, culture and religion in interpreting any part of the Bible. Winner states, "On Yom Kippur, Jews confess their sins, both privately and corporately. Before the holiday begins, they go around asking the forgiveness of everyone they have wronged; the Talmud [oral Rabbinic works believed to have been given to Moses on Sinai] teaches that God forgives the sins we've done against Him freely, but He will not forgive the sins we've done against our neighbors until they have forgiven us first. One Jewish prayer book puts it this way: God's forgiveness for us is our forgiveness of other people running through us."

So, to pray to forgive us as we forgive others, is in reference to seeking forgiveness. As others seek forgiveness of us, we are to seek it from God. It is a confession that we need forgiveness, that we must seek it from God and from others. It is an acknowledgement that every Lord's Prayer may open our reconciliation, every day may be our day of atonement, our Yom Kippur.

Update

Just so y'all know, there's no need to mail any rusty knives to me. I'm golden. But thanks to those who offered! Crazy kids.

Something in the Water

Don't know what it is, but there's a virus going around potential Nashvillian relationships. The male species tends to catch it first, which somehow disables any phone usage on his part. The girl, subsequently, fights it off for a few days and then has a major physical reaction to this retched virus. I'm seeing it all over the place folks, and it ain't pretty.

The few outbursts I have witnessed have seen varying outcomes from "let's be friends" to "I'm swearing off relationships for good!"

Hold on to your possible significant other and purify all liquids, seal yourselves into quarantined areas if you have to until the epidemic passes.

Lady M, P.R.E. News, Signing out. *krrrctch*

No More Metaphors

It's funny how we communicate best
Best in code
Best in costume
Best in show

It's odd how we dance our best
Best in darkness
Best in shadows
Best in masquerade

Yet, you slip off my mask
Let it tumble to the floor
Cup my metaphors in your hands
And blow them from your palms

My brow once hidden
by feathers and pearls
Unfurrows in the warmth
Of light 'til now unbeheld

Luminance not from bulbs or orbs
But from blinders removed
Revealing light found not in pictures
Found only in what is.

The Evil Side of Lady M

I try, in general, to exercise kindness and sensitivity towards others, peppered of course with playful sarcasm, but with no harmful intentions. And, of course, there are those times (hopefully not too often) when it might be more beneficial to be beaten with a large, barbed wire-wrapped stick than to try to talk to me. However, even in these times I try to maintain civic duty and lock myself away until the proverbial full moon sets.

Aside from these infrequent bursts of savagery, inside me dances a dervish, little imp who loves nothing more than mischief. This is the Evil of which I speak. Granted, it's not a true evil. It's more the kind of evil that tempts the dieter to a piece of tiramisu or the Atkin's affectionado to some tortilla chips.

It's this impish part of me that smirks at the sight of a "Student Driver" sign on a car. I ALWAYS want to mess with the student drivers. Not really because I'm that mean... ok, maybe, but more because, well, it'd be a life lesson. Not every car on the road will be nice and eventually there will be no sign announcing to the world that you could use some leeway. So, I'd be doing them a favor, right? Good thing I was borrowing my friend's car today. hehehe

To All Friends and Lovers

This past weekend was actually rather relaxing. If I hadn't had a morning Board meeting, this would have been my first Saturday since I started my second job that I haven't worked at all (except for when I was away in Ireland and just getting back). So, I got to spend plenty of time outside basking... oh wait, no I fell asleep inside for most of the day. = ) I was sooo tired I almost couldn't get up that evening for my friend's birthday bash, but I'm so glad I did!

It was such a wonderful night. Good friends (old and new) holding down the porch on a beautiful summer night, grilling out, sharing stories and celebrating our friend. (have I mentioned that my favorite summer meal is cheeseburgers on the grill? one of the only times of the year I really love them, actually) It was such a family atmosphere-- regardless of the fact that his family (who I love!) was at hand. We, as friends, built a family- brothers and sisters, quite and boisterous, mellow and wild. We mostly all go to the same church, which is a bonus because we got to bring that familiarity into the "sanctuary" the next morning.

Speaking of, church was great, too. We had a sort of non-traditional service (surprise, surprise, we meet in a warehouse--ha) where our pastor gave us a visual picture of the freedom and grace we've been discussing over the past six months through snipets of the movie, "Les Miserables." We sat around round tables and discussed questions before hearing more from our pastor. It was a beautiful picture not only of grace and freedom, but also community as we sat there sharing muffin crumbs and morsels of insight.

Then I finally got to relax outside some Sunday afternoon, reading and listening to Damien Rice before going to see Shrek 2 in the company of a delightful friend (after which I returned to a home of roommies watching 50 First Dates, which I quickly joined in on!).

Plus, I got to talk to my dad some on Sunday for Father's Day, and that's always a bonus.

We nearly galloped down the curvaceous path toward the sea. As we descended, the ground shot up to our left, long grass pouring over dunes and hills. Some walked in groups, some in pairs, some in solitary silence.

Upon meeting our destination, each person wandered quietly from stone to stone, examining the ground, the sea, the sky. Hexagonal shapes jutted from nature's floor, some slate grey, some molten black. These six-sided stones formed perches and gullies, mounds and ravines to the wonder of all. Yet, over all of it came the song of the sea. The sweet, gentle, rolling murmur that whispers you are home, you are safe, you may rest.

Indeed we rested for a moment that seemed like a lifetime gone by too quickly, taken too soon. And still, the waves rumble in our minds, in our souls: you are home, you are safe, you may rest.

Hot and Tired

It's nearly 9pm and I'm still at work. It's ok, it's actually cooler in here right now than in the middle of the day, I think-- you know, since the a/c's been out for a week now. Yeah, good thing we're not in the sweltering south. oh, wait...
Weather Pixie says it's 81F outside. Last reading from Ms. Carolyn's thermostat: 90F, and her lights have been out and blinds shut for the past five hours. I think my room's one of the coolest in the offices because I don't have a wall of windows, but Ms. Carolyn's office feels pretty cool right now. Don't worry, I'll leave soon. I just want to get some copies run while no one's around to die of heat stroke from the copier's kinetic emissions.

delirium is setting in. must. escape. heat...

Kristin stole this idea from Kandy. Then I stole it from her. Thanks ladies! She's so cute. = D

Cheap Excuse for a Post

melissa, you are somewhat left-hemisphere dominant and show a preference for visual learning, although not extreme in either characteristic. You probably tend to do most things in moderation, but not always.
Your left-hemisphere dominance implies that your learning style is organized and structured, detail oriented and logical. Your visual preference, though, has you seeking stimulation and multiple data. Such an outlook can overwhelm structure and logic and create an almost continuous state of uncertainty and agitation. You may well suffer a feeling of continually trying to "catch up" with yourself.
Your tendency to be organized and logical and attend to details is reasonably well-established which should afford you success regardless of your chosen field of endeavor. You can "size up" situations and take in information rapidly. However, you must then subject that data to being classified and organized which causes you to "lose touch" with the immediacy of the problem.
Your logical and methodical nature hamper you in this regard though in the long run it may work to your advantage since you "learn from experience" and can go through the process more rapidly on subsequent occasions.
You remain predominantly functional in your orientation and practical. Abstraction and theory are secondary to application. In keeping with this, you focus on details until they manifest themselves in a unique pattern and only then work with the "larger whole."
With regards to your career choices, you have a mentality that would be good as a scientist, coach, athlete, design consultant, or an engineering technician. You can "see where you want to go" and even be able to "tell yourself," but find that you are "fighting yourself" at the darndest times.

taken from http://www.mindmedia.com/brainworks/index.html
an idea which I stole from my friend Emily. (not EM-- Emily)

Let me know if you think they're on to something.

Matt Put Up Pictures of Northern Ireland

In case you were wondering.