Friday, September 19, 2003

The Skinny

I got skinny. I don't exactly know how or when, but I did. After all of my years of trying to diet and work out and unhealthily obsessing about my weight, I've finally trimmed down. But the thing is, I'd kind of given up trying. I've been working out just because I like it and eating pretty much what I want whenever I'm hungry.

Maybe my wants have changed. Maybe I'm not as hungry as I used to be. Maybe I actually look just the same as I have for years but am now starting to see myself from an outside, and therefore less depricative, point of view. The other thing is that I'm still about 7 pounds above my "ideal" weight, but I kind of think I'm a little too boney as it is, I can't imagine looking all that great with seven less pounds.

I think a lot of life events happen this way. You strive for them, obsess over them and then, when you finally relax, you find yourself in the thick of it all. Then you might find out that what you wanted may not have been what was best for you to begin with. I even do this with religion. One of my greatest downfalls in my Christian life is trying too hard-- binding my self into a legalistic, works-based mindset-- which then gets off-set by a rebellion and abuse of grace, leading to sin, repentence and then back to legalism.

Then I read in Psalms: Be still and know that I am God.
It's like He's saying: calm down, relax. I appreciate your trying, but I will give to you what I will, when I will. I am the true artist, not you, and all of your arts are rain-spoilt water-colors to me. You are not the story teller, I am-- but I will reveal to you an inspiration so great, the world does not have enough words to describe, nor colors bright or deep enough to depict. Let Me move your hand. Let Me move your heart and before you know it, you will be here with Me, in the most beautiful tapestry you could never imagine.